The breakneck speed with which the technology and smartphones are influencing our lifestyles and our point of views, even the well-meaning adults seem captivated by their charms. It surprises no one when I say, “Children and teenagers are becoming easy victims to catch up with ‘attitude changing, behavior altering ‘, unrestricted modern day gadgets.” To develop a healthy relationship with our children in these shaky conditions I want to introduce one approach – ‘using I messages,’ that when adopted by the parents can certainly bring about a favorable outcome in the communication between the parents and their children.
I-messages simply coveys our problem, without blaming our children for it.
For Example: “you stop that noise, you are disturbing me”
“I’m tired, I want some rest”
‘You-messages’ suggest blame, rude and authoritative and doesn’t go down well with children. Whereas I-messages simply conveys our feelings of what we are experiencing.
Using ‘I-messages is a way to express our own needs, expectations, problems and our concerns to our children in a respectable way that does not attack them. At times it is helpful to share with our children how we are feeling.
‘I-messages’ are more effective in influencing a child to understand and adjust his behavior that is unacceptable to a parent. They establish a healthy perception that restores a good parent-child-relationship.
Understanding the importance of ‘I-messages’ will be easy to change the deeply rooted traditional ‘language of power’ that usually creeps into the language used in parent-child relationships: authority, obey, demand, punish, discipline, enforce rules, respect for authority. And using a non-power role that can be best seen as: a friend, a good listener, helper, facilitator, helpful adult, problem solver.
“Oh! Don’t speak to me using that language, I think it is not proper to speak to me like that”
“Are you that bad and stupid, do you think you can manage everyone with your dirty mouth”
In the first sentence, ‘I-message’ tells the child about the feelings and how it’s felt being addressed with improper language. It gives no further choice for the child to argue or speak back again. It might humble him to raise his voice again.
In the second sentence, the child is the receiver of the rebuke. The whole sentence appears like pointing the finger of blame towards him. There is every chance that the words would provoke him or prompts him to speak back in even harsher terms. Certainly, it can damage any relationship between parent and child.
The ‘I-messages’ help the parents to convey their true feelings to the children, it certainly is very helpful because they allow the child to think about his behavior and making him think of modifying his behavior that is hurting the parents.
There is in ‘I-messages’ an inbuilt incentive to help the child to grow, to be aware of his own unruly behavior and work to making some healthy changes. They also allow the child to take the responsibility to behaving wisely.
Parents need to learn that being transparent in a relationship with the child fosters honesty and intimacy and openness – that is the foundation of any human relationship.